“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Best table by far
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My work here is don’t.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.