How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.