My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.