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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family