Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
the #horror is real!
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]