My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War