The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.