Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Dear Lord..
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA