Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother