I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
they split up moments later
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms