Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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These dogs look like they have good credit.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me: