It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
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9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.