Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Still laughing at this stupid meme