Maths meets science
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.