When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Holy moly
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.