The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
You deplete me
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
this is literally a CIA plant
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died