just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I’m confused about plants
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day