I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
You Might Also Like
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”