My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
You Might Also Like
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired