Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow