When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.