My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Investing in beetcoin
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.