Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not