Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?