“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
True?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok