I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
jesus christ confetti not now
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.