[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
You Might Also Like
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Very good news from my accountant
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Confused owl: What?!
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states