“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47