me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
who wants to go expliring
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat