When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
<- sleeps well with others
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.