Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
You Might Also Like
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Beards are a privilege, not a right
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Sign of the day..
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.