The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
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Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The USS B port
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Cake!!