The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.