KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
we’re dead?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.