Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
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Stop it! 😂
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.