[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
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[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?