I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Who called it baking and not making love
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
bears
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE