I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Goodnight 🐶
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I love twitter
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet