Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.