God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Thank you corporation very cool
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.