I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.