Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
haha same
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.