When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.