6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.