A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Feels
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.