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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus