The answer is funnier than the question
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Happy thanksgiving
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
titanic
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.