If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Going into Monday like
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…