Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
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Did I do this right
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
😩😩😩
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades