i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines